I’m not a parent yet, but I’m pretty sure that I’m going to fare better than most people when it comes to not screwing up my future offspring. This prediction stems from the fact that I’ve seen tons of douche bags make parenting look hard, and that’s usually a clear sign that an activity is actually fairly straightforward (ex: dating, pet ownership, driving). Once I get over my irrational fear of babies dropping babies, I’m confident that I’ll be a parenting prodigy.

So, take it from the World’s #1 Dad™: it’s important to teach your young children the difference between the “A stranger is murdering me!” scream and the “I’m a stupid kid who likes to make noise!1!!1″ scream. In decades past the sound of a child screaming at the top of his or her lungs would compel most adults to investigate and render assistance. Nowadays, however, the sound of a child screaming in abject terror is likely just a sign that some idiot 5 year old is having fun. Consequentially (and as tends to be the case with many things in life), the morons have ruined the usefulness of the emergency scream for the rest of society.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about children squealing. As obnoxious as it is, I realize that squeals and loud yelling are par for the course with young kids. I’m talking about the type of scream that instinctively puts human senses on high alert, the type of scream that 30,000 years ago would have indicated that a tiger was in the process of eating the toddler in the hut across the way.

In the path of an oncoming semi: good time to scream.

Coach killed by possessed vending machine: good time to scream.

It has reached the point where if I’m walking down the street and hear a child’s blood-curdling cries for help nearby, they’ll be lucky if I even turn my head. For all I know there are children just being raped and murdered around me left and right on a regular basis, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to run to the “scene of the crime” even one more time just to encounter some little girl enjoying her tire swing. Just recently I actually heard a kid desperately screaming something to the effect of “HELP!! HELP ME!!! STOP!!!”, which made me break with my usual policy of indifference and pop my head outside to see what was up. Much to my disappointment, the boy was not in fact being abducted; his shitty parents just neglected to teach him the subtle differences between the perils of Stranger Danger and the displeasure of having your older brother shoot you with a Super Soaker.

If your kid is a screamer then you need to correct that shit pronto. Ground them, beat them, emotionally abuse them – whatever it takes to drive the message home. You’ll be a better parent for it, and by the time your grandchildren are born they might actually have the chance to live in a world where legitimate cries for help aren’t inadvertently ignored.

Buckle up everyone, this ride’s about to get a bit nerdy.

Back in high school I passed the time in my math classes by programming games in BASIC for my TI-83 graphing calculator, then distributing the games to my friends so that they too could appear to be “hard at work” on their calculators during class. By the end of high school I was creating multiplayer computer games and had started up my own little online gaming community. Although my career ambitions have always been solely focused on my film/video stuff, creating online games became a fun little side hobby.

Two years ago I started work on a game that is a throwback to the days of the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) called “NEStalgia”. For those of you who aren’t gamers I’ll sum it up this way: NEStalgia is essentially what World of Warcraft would have been if that game had been made in 1989. It’s a large open world that you explore alongside lots of other players, but the game’s art style and gameplay are incredibly retro. Although the concept is unique and the game is well made, I never really anticipated that it would have mass appeal.

I was wrong.

After two years of development (me laying on the couch in my pajamas coding on my laptop a couple nights a week) I finally decided to announced NEStalgia’s release to the world in February. Much to my surprise, half an hour after I emailed what were essentially my “warmup” press releases to a couple independent gaming sites, my servers started to get slammed with new players. Long story short, NEStalgia ended up getting featured on tons of main stream gaming sites, which led to tens of thousands of new logins in just the first few days alone. Game Informer, Kotaku, Destructoid, Joystiq, G4 TV etc. etc. etc… needless to say things got crazy. The game has also since been listed on Gamepro’s 37 Best Free PC Games and 1UP’s 101 Free Games of 2011.

Suddenly finding myself in the role of Lead Designer and Community Manager for a popular indie game, I dropped everything else that I was working on. The first month of managing NEStalgia was a blur of scrambling to get more servers online, responding to hundreds of emails, and posting constant bug fixes. Thankfully my 24/7 work schedule didn’t go unrewarded, as NEStalgia’s optional subscription system was raking in more than enough money to cover my costs and support me full time.

Almost four months later the dust has finally settled and I’ve laid out some pretty ambitious plans for future NEStalgia development and distribution. Exciting times, but I also have some mixed feelings over the whole thing. Although I enjoy working on NEStalgia, I also really miss writing and working on film stuff. While working on this game may have become my full time job for the short term, I really can’t wait to get back to focusing on my “real” job.  I suppose that there are a lot of people who struggle to find even one thing that they love doing, and I should be thankful to have two…

…Screw that though! If there were more hours in the day I’d probably have five more major hobbies. Seriously, how can so many people not know what they want to do with their lives? /rant

Anyway, that’s the story of my Spring 2011. It sure is a good thing that Macho Man Randy Savage prevented the Rapture, because I have a lot to look forward to this summer. If this nerdy tale has piqued your curiosity about NEStalgia, be sure to check out the website or the Facebook page for the game. My summer plans also include no longer neglecting this blog, so check back later for less nerdiness and more of whatever it is that I usually write about.

A couple years ago when I first moved to Los Angeles I changed my cell phone over to a local number. Long story short, I apparently wasn’t the first person to have owned that number. Meet Asha:

This is a composite sketch that I’ve drawn with MS Paint based upon everything that I’ve learned about her in the past two years. That’s right, after two years I’m still getting calls for this girl.

Let’s go over the facts:

• Asha is some sort of model (or told people that she was).
• She drives a BMW that she decided to never make the payments on
• She likes credit cards as well, but decided not to pay for those either.
• Asha is lonely (hence the tears). She apparently neglected to tell any of her friends that she changed her cell phone number two years ago.
• About her friends: When they call, they’re stupid enough to leave a message for her even after hearing my “You’ve reached Ben Mallahan” voicemail blurb.

But why is she naked in the above composite sketch, you ask? Because with all of the “booty call” voicemails and text messages I’ve received for this girl over the years, I doubt that she ever gets much of a chance to wear clothing. You haven’t lived until as a 20-something male you’re woken up at 1:42 AM by a text message that reads “hey grl wat u doin 2nite?”.

I’ve always wanted to respond to those text messages with something like this:

Either reply would suffice

As annoying as the occasional phone calls are, Asha serves as a nice reminder of one of the many reasons why I got the heck out of Los Angeles. A slutty girl who says that she’s a model and drives an expensive car that she can’t afford is one of about 5 different horrible types of people who inhabit that city. Not having to share the same crowded streets or breathe the same smog filled air as they do anymore is a miracle.

Granted, he was awesome in Major League

No seriously. I can’t turn on the news and get information on something that actually freaking matters because our society is obsessed with constant stories about this douchebag’s latest drug-induced crime spree.

I GET IT. HE LIKES COCAINE AND HOOKERS. NEXT STORY.

What really gets me about the unwashed masses and their obsession with Charlie Sheen is that he’s really only famous right now for starring in the shittiest sitcom ever made. If someone told me that Two and a Half Men was a secret Nazi weapon that archaeologists discovered and accidentally activated in 2003, I would believe them. The Zombie Apocalypse has almost certainly begun if there are actually enough brain dead people in the country to make it the #1 sitcom on TV.

For my part, if I’m ever faced with having to save a stranger’s life by pulling them out of a burning building or jumping in a river after them, I’m first going to ask them if they watch Two and a Half Men. If the answer is “yes” then I will walk away ignoring their tortured cries for help and SLEEP LIKE A BABY that night.

The fact that Charlie Sheen tries to self destruct and escape into a haze of cocaine and porn stars is actually a good thing. If the guy didn’t hate himself, then that might actually be newsworthy.

Related story: The Tannenbaum Company was one of the groups that I pitched Gamers to several years ago. Eric Tannenbaum is one of Two and a Half Men’s executive producers, and when I looked deep into his beady little eyes there was absolutely nothing looking back at me. No soul, no intelligence, no sign of human life. I’m pretty sure that he was an evil robot… not to mention the fact that he was a giant ass hat.