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2011 January | Ben Makes Movies

I don’t give a #@%! about Charlie Sheen

Granted, he was awesome in Major League

No seriously. I can’t turn on the news and get information on something that actually freaking matters because our society is obsessed with constant stories about this douchebag’s latest drug-induced crime spree.

I GET IT. HE LIKES COCAINE AND HOOKERS. NEXT STORY.

What really gets me about the unwashed masses and their obsession with Charlie Sheen is that he’s really only famous right now for starring in the shittiest sitcom ever made. If someone told me that Two and a Half Men was a secret Nazi weapon that archaeologists discovered and accidentally activated in 2003, I would believe them. The Zombie Apocalypse has almost certainly begun if there are actually enough brain dead people in the country to make it the #1 sitcom on TV.

For my part, if I’m ever faced with having to save a stranger’s life by pulling them out of a burning building or jumping in a river after them, I’m first going to ask them if they watch Two and a Half Men. If the answer is “yes” then I will walk away ignoring their tortured cries for help and SLEEP LIKE A BABY that night.

The fact that Charlie Sheen tries to self destruct and escape into a haze of cocaine and porn stars is actually a good thing. If the guy didn’t hate himself, then that might actually be newsworthy.

Related story: The Tannenbaum Company was one of the groups that I pitched Gamers to several years ago. Eric Tannenbaum is one of Two and a Half Men’s executive producers, and when I looked deep into his beady little eyes there was absolutely nothing looking back at me. No soul, no intelligence, no sign of human life. I’m pretty sure that he was an evil robot… not to mention the fact that he was a giant ass hat.

Posted in Rants

Week in Review: Jan 23rd – 29th 2011

The World’s Week:

State of the Unzzzzzzzzzzzz…

They'll be sharing their teddy bears in no time...

Watching the people we’ve elected to be the leaders of the free world actually pat themselves on the back for GASP OMG SITTING TOGETHER sure made me feel confident. If Congress were a preschool classroom, they’d be about half way through September now. Good job guys.

As far as Obama’s speech goes – tl;dw

Xbox Live discriminates against Autism?

The gaming world expressed outrage when an 11 year old autistic kid was stripped of his “Gamerscore” and labeled a cheater on Xbox Live for what appeared to be score boosting; a feat that the interwebs naturally assumed was due to his autism-fueled gaming super powers. How dare they give the poor innocent kid what amounts to an Xbox Scarlet Letter?!?!!

…As it turned out, my devious little hero actually did cheat. Now I’m not advocating cheating – I hate cheaters in games. But using your disability as a cover? Brilliant.

My Week:

Computer Delivery

Last Sunday I drove a couple hours north to give my dad an extra PC that I had lying around. His old computer was completely fried. It sounded like a dying cat when I tried to boot it up — so much so that I immediately popped open the case to make sure that he hadn’t stashed a cat in there.  He’s a dog person.

My dad has an awesome tendency to use electronics right up until (and sometimes after) they die on him. A couple years ago he was using an old CRT monitor that was becoming really blurry. He refused to acknowledge that the monitor had gone fuzzy — he just thought that he was going blind or something. We eventually convinced him to get a new LCD monitor to “fix” his eyesight.

Ménage à Trois

There’s a (new?) wine at my local grocery store called Ménage à Trois.

When I first saw this stuff on the shelf I guffawed at the name. It was a nice marketing ploy that would pretty much ensure me never buying it. I’m one of those people who won’t purchase something if I’m afraid that it will make the cashier think less of me.

Just a few days after I first saw this wine, my wife and I went to a small wine social. Lo and behold someone had swallowed their dignity and actually purchased a bottle of Ménage à Trois, and much dismay it actually tasted really freaking good.

I purchased my second bottle this week. I try to wear a hat and avoid looking the cashier in the eyes. Don’t judge me.

Posted in Week in Review

The problem I have with Twitter

A few days ago I begrudgingly started using my twitter account in order to help promote the new site… and I’ve found that actually bringing myself to post a tweet is a struggle.

My problem is not that I have a lack of interesting thoughts or experiences to tweet about throughout the day – the issue is that I can’t picture anyone else actually giving a damn about them. Why? Because of my own perspective on other people’s tweets:

There isn’t a single person on this planet whom I’d like to hear from on a daily basis.

…Much less every hour or two. I don’t want to know what you had for lunch, I have no interest in your political opinions, and I certainly don’t care about your crappy puns and/or cliche ridden observations on life.

Heck, even if my wonderful wife had a twitter feed, I wouldn’t read it. The only tweets I’d care about from her would be things like:

Becca Tweets

For me the final nail in the Twitter coffin is that I hate people who are obsessed with celebrities; Twitter is a breeding ground for them. The celebrities themselves are often huge douchebags, but their millions of brainless followers are the real plague on humanity.

The only type of celebrity tweet that I’d ever give a crap about:

Mayer Tweet

But I relent. The success of Twitter obviously indicates that I’m in the minority with this point of view. If the average person really enjoys reading about other people’s  lives 10 times a day, 140 characters at a time, then so be it.

Start following me on twitter and I’ll do my best to bore you to death with witty anecdotes about life and tales of how awesome my lunch was… just as soon as I can convince myself to force them upon you.

Posted in My Life (etc)

Nintendo 3DS Eye Damage

Here we are at last: a new web short! This is a brief video, but it’s a good place to start.

In early January 2011, Nintendo put out a press release that warned of potential eye strain issues for players using the forthcoming Nintendo 3DS for more than 30 minutes at a time in 3D mode…

FLASH FORWARD to March 2011 when the 3DS will be released…

Posted in Gaming

Old videos, new hi-res uploads!

A couple years ago YouTube finally got its act together and started allowing 16×9 and HD videos to be posted in their native format. Now that I’ve got my act together and have started working on videos again, I’ve decided to re-upload some of my favorite creations in 16×9 and/or HD.

Check after the jump for direct links and embeds: Read more…

Dear Week’s Growth Beard

It's just getting to be too much.

Dear Week’s Growth Beard,

Well, here we are again. Our relationships always end like this. It seems like it was only 5 days ago that everything in the world was right… I didn’t have to wake up and shave, and you made me feel laid back and carefree.

It wasn’t very long after that before we started having problems again. We’re both to blame: you started chafing my neck, and I wasn’t taking you out in public anymore. I knew that I should have ended it sooner. Call me apathetic or lazy if you want to – sometimes it’s just easier to stay in a bad relationship than to stand up and do something about it.

…But now it’s time for me to shave.

It’s not you, it’s me. Being with you is just a constant reminder of my own shortcomings; every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded that I just don’t have what it takes to grow proper facial hair. Maybe it’s bad genes, or maybe we were just never meant to be. Both of us knew that this couldn’t last forever. Truth be told, I’ve never even wanted a beard.

So, this is it. Nothing you can say will change my mind – I’ve already promised myself that from this point forward I’m going to start shaving more regularly. I’m not going to put myself in this position again. I’m 27 years old and I can’t keep repeating this endless cycle with you.

I’m sorry to have lead you on like this. Let’s just try to remember the good times.

Sincerely,

Ben

P.S. – My wife found out about you. It may take awhile for her to stop looking at me with disgust, but we’re going to try to make it work. I’ve sworn to her that I’m never going to let my facial hair get out of control like that again. Please don’t call me.

Where do I start?

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been writing in a personal blog for years now on an independent game development site. Some time ago I also tried to start up a separate blog devoted mostly to politics… but after a couple months I realized that I absolutely f***ing hate political blogs and the people who write them. In fact, I generally can’t stand any bloggers. This diagram illustrates the problem:

Blogger Diagram

As you can see, very few reasonable human beings ever even choose to write a blog in the first place. Fewer yet manage to keep it entertaining or informative enough to make it worth reading on a regular basis. I believe that I fall into the purple zone on this diagram – but we’ll see if others will actually enjoy reading what I have to write. Regardless, I’m not going to concern myself with amassing OMG 1 MILLION READERS11!1!!1. Like my YouTube shorts, I’ll be writing this blog purely for the enjoyment of the process. Any viewership that I happen to wrangle in is just icing on the cake.

So what am I getting at? My goal with this blog is to write/rant/babble about anything and everything, and to have fun while I’m doing it. Now that we’ve got “the talk” out of the way with this post, I can get started with writing it.

Warning: If in the distant future the Hipster population gets out of control and they somehow take over the planet (henceforth referred to as the HIPSTOCALYPSE), this place will transform into an underground blog from which I shall spearhead the resistance movement. We may not be able to save humanity, but we’ll take as many of those PBR guzzling douchebags with us as we possibly can. Viva La Resistance

Welcome to the new Ben Makes Movies

o hai tharLong time no see.

It’s been a hectic couple of years – a period of time that I’m sure I’ll be talking about quite often on this shiny new blog. While I haven’t released any YouTube shorts since the summer of ’09, I’ve still been hard at work writing and producing stuff in the professional world. After spending two years in hell Los Angeles I’m happy to report that I’m finally back home in the Pacific Northwest, and I’m ready to resume my favorite hobby: making web videos.

I’ve redesigned Ben Makes Movies  to be the new home for my personal blog on top of being the hub for my YouTube shorts. I’ve actually been blogging for years on different site related to my other hobby, designing independent online games. It’s been a lot of fun, but it’s time to graduate from writing a blog under an online alias that I’ve had since high school.

I’ve got several new web shorts in the works, including one that I intend to release later this week. Hold onto your cornbread Grandma – there is a ton of cool stuff on the way!