Granted, he was awesome in Major League

No seriously. I can’t turn on the news and get information on something that actually freaking matters because our society is obsessed with constant stories about this douchebag’s latest drug-induced crime spree.

I GET IT. HE LIKES COCAINE AND HOOKERS. NEXT STORY.

What really gets me about the unwashed masses and their obsession with Charlie Sheen is that he’s really only famous right now for starring in the shittiest sitcom ever made. If someone told me that Two and a Half Men was a secret Nazi weapon that archaeologists discovered and accidentally activated in 2003, I would believe them. The Zombie Apocalypse has almost certainly begun if there are actually enough brain dead people in the country to make it the #1 sitcom on TV.

For my part, if I’m ever faced with having to save a stranger’s life by pulling them out of a burning building or jumping in a river after them, I’m first going to ask them if they watch Two and a Half Men. If the answer is “yes” then I will walk away ignoring their tortured cries for help and SLEEP LIKE A BABY that night.

The fact that Charlie Sheen tries to self destruct and escape into a haze of cocaine and porn stars is actually a good thing. If the guy didn’t hate himself, then that might actually be newsworthy.

Related story: The Tannenbaum Company was one of the groups that I pitched Gamers to several years ago. Eric Tannenbaum is one of Two and a Half Men’s executive producers, and when I looked deep into his beady little eyes there was absolutely nothing looking back at me. No soul, no intelligence, no sign of human life. I’m pretty sure that he was an evil robot… not to mention the fact that he was a giant ass hat.